When was the last time that I made a new friend?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Improve your life

Make a new friend

I recently read a study from the University of Pennsylvania that clearly established a causal link between the use of social media and loneliness and depression. It’s ironic that an industry that promised to connect us to others (read this as “make friends”) is responsible for making us feel lonelier and more depressed. 

That got me thinking about the last time that I made a friend in real life. In my adult life, I’ve made tons of colleagues and coworkers, but a friend?  Very few. This is curious because I know that research tells us that forming friendships produces several personal benefits. These include; boosting happiness; increasing a sense of belonging; reducing stress; improving self-worth; and helps to cope with trauma.

I’ve spent a lot of my career focused on youth development and I’ve observed that, for most kids, making a friend is a straight-forward process. But as an adult, this process can be much more complicated. It’s not like you can walk up to a stranger and say, “Wanna play on the swings with me?” without getting treated like an insane person.

But don’t worry, I’ve been able to take some best practices that kids use successfully everyday and adjust them for adults. So, if you’d like to make a new a new friend, as an adult, give these steps a try.

Step 1: Ask fantastic questions.

Everyone’s favorite topic is themselves and the best way to get people to talk about themselves is to ask questions. But not the same old questions that you’ve asked at almost every social situation. Questions like, “What do you do for work?” or “What brings you to this event?” are not only boring, they communicate that you really don’t want to get know this person. You’re just trying to avoid being rude.

Instead, come up with questions that you’d be excited to answer. Think of questions that would help get to know someone better. For me, I like to ask questions like, “If you could have a super-power, what would it be?” or “What’s the best thing that’s happened to you this week?” These types of questions signal that you’re curious and open to real conversations.

After you’ve started a wonderful conversation with your unique questions, it’s time to share things about yourself. Be careful, how we share about ourselves can either attract or repel people. Asking questions without sharing is an interview, not a conversation.

Step 2: Find common ground.

For friendships to form, there needs to be some affinity or shared interests. Connections made when there is an overlap of roles or affiliations from different social contexts are called multiplex ties and according to sociologists, there are very important in creating friendships. This is because it speaks to us on a practical and an emotional level. At the practical level, it’s great to have a friend who enjoys the same activities that you do, and shared interests provide a sense of comfort and validation on an emotional level.

Friendship grows on common ground. Finding common ground doesn’t mean that you’re looking for a clone of yourself. It also doesn't mean that friendship won’t develop with someone who has different interests or comes from a different background than you. It just means understanding that friendships start with connection. To make friends, you need to discover those places of overlap.

Step 3: Extend an invitation.

Asking fantastic questions opens the door, and discovering common ground helps us to see who’s likely to walk through the door. The last step is to spend time together so friendship can grow.

Extending an invitation doesn’t refer to the next big event in your life. Don’t wait for your anniversary party or birthday celebration. Every day opportunities to extend invitations to other people are much more likely to help a grow a friendship. Think of inviting the other person to an activity that revolves around your newly discovered shared interests. This will help your new friend associate you with fun. And shared fun moves friendships forward.

I encourage you to take a chance and make a new friend. Use these ideas or tell me ones that you’ve had success with. Remember that all the growth that you have in your life, happened when you stepped outside of your comfort zone.

What do I need to let go of?

Letting go is tough.

Acceptance is the key.

Letting go can be a frightening topic for some. Throughout our life, we’re conditioned not only hold on to things, but to accumulate more. So, it’s not surprising that the idea of letting something go can feel foreign. This conditioning leads us to hold to things, even when they are no longer useful to us.

We keep toxic people in our lives, we embrace dis-empowering ideas, we save stuff that we haven’t used in years. (btw. I’m a huge Marie Kondo fan) It seems we are just not wired to “let go”.

I encourage you to examine people, ideas, and stuff in your life. If you find that some of the these things just don’t serve you anymore and you’d like to let them go, these steps may help you.

Step 1: Accept yourself, Accept reality

For many, letting go is hard because we don’t want to accept reality. When we feel negative emotions, we try to ignore them and pretend they’re not real. We may look the other way or look for ways to forget. This can lead to a feeling that our problems have disappeared, but this is short-lived. Denying reality only creates a temporary sense of peace.

The first step in letting go is to accept who you are and where you are right now. Be kind to yourself. There’s no need to criticize or judge. You are where you are and that’s cool. Honor and explore your feelings. Evaluate the underlying beliefs that produce these negative emotions. You may uncover beliefs or “stories” like, “our family is unlucky”. Or “I’m just not a happy person”. We may not realize that we cling to things that are no longer useful, because we have dis empowering, untrue, or toxic underlying beliefs that are preventing us from growing.

By practicing some self-compassion and accepting yourself, you can more easily accept reality. This is acceptance is often the seed of change that will allow you to grow into your future self.

Step 2: Move through the pain

This step may seem counter-intuitive. To let things go, you have to move towards (and through) the bad practice, not away from it. It’s a very human desire to want to avoid our problems. But this only creates distance from the stress and pain, it doesn’t get rid of it.

Let the bad things in. Don’t push away negative emotions or bad practices. Absorb these emotions.  When you let them in, they are no longer abstract and nebulous. They become definable and known. These emotions lose a lot of their power through this process.

Step 3: Set your direction

We humans are blessed/cursed with the ability to choose. We constantly make choices that generate. This change may be good or bad, thoughtful or thoughtless. Without setting a direction that we’d like to our life to follow, we can easily pick up bad practices, like bingeing too much TV or stopping your workout routine. To let go of bad practices or to add good practices depends on our ability to intentionally set a direction.

Use your wiring to your advantage. Describe the exact practice that you want to let go and then describe the practice that you want to replace it with. This way your brain doesn’t see this as a loss, just a substitution. Think about how you want to feel emotionally and physically. Focus your attention to the new feelings that you want in your life, not on what you want to let go of. For example, focus on experiencing feelings of joy or freedom, instead of focusing on not feeling criticism or self-doubt.

The path to letting go begins and ends with radical acceptance who you are and that you can choose the direction of your life.

Am I a source of inspiration for my friends and family?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Shine your light.

So many are in the dark.

For this thought experiment, I want to focus on people in our actual lives. Not celebrities, or politicians. Just folks that we interact with every day.

If you’re lucky, you have someone in your life who you crave to spend time with. Someone who, after you’ve spent some time together, leaves you feeling more energized, more alive, more you. These very special folks seem to have an emotional gravity to the that just naturally pulls others to them. These are the same people who you hope you’ll see, or you hope will be at an event that you’re attending.

Unfortunately, I can almost guarantee that you have someone in your life whom you dread seeing. Someone who seems to suck the life out of a room and after your conversation is over, you feel less energized, less alive, and less you.  People will tend to avoid this type of person. No kidding!

I’ve been thinking about this lately and wondering… Do I inspire or discourage?  How can we be more inspiring to others? In my experience, the short answer is to be more inspired yourself.

There are tons of traits that inspiring people have. Some folks may be inspired by a physical prowess, or by tales of beating the odds, or by financial success. Every human trait could be seen by someone as inspiring.

But there are two things all inspiring people share.  They have two core beliefs. They believe in themselves and they believe in others. When they speak of their ambitions, it is with great passion, optimism and enthusiasm. When they speak about others, it’s with admiration and joy.

Here are a few tips on how you can develop your inspiration muscle and become a beacon for others:

Follow your own path.

We’re inspired by those who dare to stand out from the crowd, follow their dreams, and live authentically. When you pursue your passion, others are encouraged to take a leap and follow their dreams.

Be authentic.

Share your successes and your failures. When you only talk about your successes, you become unrelatable. Most people have suffered some level of loss in pursuit of their goals and can’t identify with someone who’s always won. By being authentic, you can help people avoid pitfalls and make their path a little easier. Your authenticity may inspire them to keep going even when it’s tough or the outlook is bleak.

Share your inspiration.

Inspiring other people starts with you. You can’t share a flame you don’t have. To be inspirational, you must first be inspired. Share the quotes, stories, art, people, foods that inspire you. Share your story, the reason you do that you do. Talk about the impact you want to have, the people you want to reach, and the solutions that you hope to bring. Inspiration is contagious. As you share the things that motivate and encourage you, those around you may also become inspired.

Help others.

Life tends to knock us around and take the wind out of our sails. Be the voice of unconditional support for someone. Help others to see (and be) the best version of themselves. We all can demonstrate compassion and be a source of positivity.  

I believe that inspiration is in short supply and that most of have forgotten that we are brilliant. So, I encourage you to tap into your light and purposely shine it on people who cross your path. All you really need to be inspiring is desire, the rest will follow.

When was the last time I did something nice for myself?

Shine on!

Make you a priority

If you’re anything like me, it seems like your schedule’s getting more crowded, your days are more hectic, and even the weekends are filled chores. It’s no secret that life is bursting with stressors, most of which you can’t eliminate. I guess that’s what makes them a stressor.

To combat this daily tension and gain some peace, I started practicing some activities to relieve stress; meditation, hitting the gym (actually, not the gym, I go to the Y), bubble baths with candles (don’t judge), or the occasional walk in nature. But I found that these activities had a fleeting effect on my sense of peace. What was I missing?

Turns out, that I could do stress relief activities all day long and it won’t help if I’m not taking care of myself. Focusing on stress-relief was short-sighted and ineffective at giving me the feeling of sustained peace that I was looking for. After some research, I’ve discovered that to achieve a more effective and sustainable level of peace in my life, I ‘ll want to focus on the concept of self-care.

Psychologists define self-care as “a multidimensional, multifaceted process of purposeful engagement in strategies that promote healthy functioning and enhance well-being.”

Self-care is about creating a resiliency that allows you to handle the stressors in life and bounce back quickly from set-backs. I know what you’re thinking,

“Who has time for self-care? Isn’t that a little indulgent?”

I get it. That’s how I felt too. I was overwhelmed, tired, and felt like I couldn’t handle what life was throwing at me. But I also felt that this couldn’t continue. So, I decided to give self-care a try.

Let’s get into the basics of self-care. It’s important to understand that there are five areas to consider when addressing the care of self. These areas are: Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Social, and Emotional.

PHYSICAL SELF CARE

This is the area that I think should be your highest priority. If your body’s not working well, the rest really doesn’t matter. Managing your health has a significant effect on all the other areas of your life. Physical self-care activities would include:

          Getting enough sleep

          Fueling your body with proper foods

          Moving everyday

          Engaging with experts (Doctors, Dentists, etc.)

MENTAL SELF CARE

Your mind creates your reality. Your mental well-being has a direct bearing on how you experience life. Mental self-care would include:

          Engaging in activities that mentally stimulate you

          Practicing self-compassion and acceptance

          Participating in a meditation practice

SPIRITUAL SELF CARE

Research has shown that people whose lifestyle includes religion or spirituality are generally healthier. Spiritual self-care is anything that nurtures your spirit. It may or may not involve organized religion. Anything that helps you develop a deeper connection to the universe, or a more profound sense of meaning will do the trick. Here’s a few things to consider when developing your spiritual life:

          How do you think about your life experiences?

          What questions do you ask yourself about your experiences?

          Do any of the activities that you engage in fulfill your spirit?

SOCIAL SELF CARE

As humans, we are hard-wired to connect with others. But, when we get busy, it’s easy to neglect the relationships in our life. Close connections are import to your well-being. It requires that you put time and effort into creating and maintaining close relationships. There isn’t a recommended number of hours you should devote to your relationships. What is clear is that time on “social” media does very little to fulfill this human need. (In Real Life people!) Think about what your social needs are and be sure to create enough time in your weekly schedule to make it happen. You can ask yourself these questions when assessing your social needs:

Do you feel like you’re getting enough face-to-face time with the people you care about? Are you getting too much?  

What are you doing to nurture your relationships?

When’s the last time you made a new friend?

EMOTIONAL SELF CARE

We all have emotions that make us feel uncomfortable. Developing healthy coping skills to handle emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety is very important. Creating time and a process to help you work through your feelings is a good start to incorporating emotional self-care into your life. Emotional self-care activities would include:

          Activities that help you acknowledge and express your feelings

Talking with a close friend or partner

Engaging in physical activities that help you process your emotions

Participating in professionally led support groups 

In the end, caring for yourself is the most impactful thing that you can do. So, develop a self-care strategy. Everyone is different so come up with a plan that feels right for you.

Look at the five areas of your life and determine which ones may need your attention now. As your life changes, be sure to reassess and adjust your strategy. Don’t try to tackle everything at once. Start small, add new practices as you go. The key is to make YOU a priority. Caring for yourself will make you more impactful, more peaceful, more you. Know this: the universe desperately needs you at full YOU. Don’t let the universe down.

Shine On!

Why am I so uncomfortable talking with people I don’t know?

One small change

that will actually help!

Recently, a lot of folks have asked for my guidance on some form of this question. As they share more about their question, it becomes clear that they believe this feeling is getting in their way of fully experiencing life.  This feeling is called social anxiety and it’s very common in the US. In fact, it affects over 15 million Americans each year. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that one in eight adults experience social anxiety sometime during their life.

When you feel nervous, tense or uncomfortable in social situations, it’s helpful to know that

we ALL get anxiety. Sure, some of us get it worse than others, but it affects every single one of us. The question is, how do you let it affect you?

The key to overcoming anxiety is not to completely eliminate it, but simply to not allow it to affect you negatively. Instead of trying to get rid of your anxiety, your goal should be to learn to accept it, embrace it, and continue doing all the things you want to do–not despite anxiety, but in the face of anxiety.

Here’s something that has helped me and may help you.

SHIFT YOUR FOCUS

A lot of times, when I have felt nervous or anxious in social situations, I’ve noticed that I’ve been hyper-focused on myself. My mind in chattering a way with thoughts like: What are hands doing? Do I sound dumb? Did my stomach just growl? This inward focus tends to reinforce a negative and untrue story that I’m awkward when meeting people. Though I acknowledge that this story may have been created to protect me at some point in my life, it is now much less useful for me.

When I shift my focus to others and engage my curiosity, I give my mind something else to do (besides self-criticism). When I focus on others, I’m actively listening and learning about someone else and their experiences. I’m asking questions and discovering common interests. Before long, I’m having a wonderful conversation and not thinking about my over-sized feet at all.

Be patient and remember that this is a journey. By making this small shift you’ll notice real progress.

Question of the Week

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Question of the Week

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Question of the Week

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Question of the Week

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Question of the Week

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Question of the Week

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Question of the Week

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Question of the Week

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Question of the Week

Are you doing what you believe in or settling for what you’re doing?

Question of the Week

Are you choosing to live your story or someone else’s story of you?

Question of the Week

What permission do you need (or want) to move forward?

What would happen if you granted it?

Question of the Week

What are you avoiding?

Question of the Week

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Question of the Week

What would happen if I didn’t let fear stop me today?

Question of the Week

Who do I need to forgive?

Is it me?