When was the last time that I made a new friend?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

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Make a new friend

I recently read a study from the University of Pennsylvania that clearly established a causal link between the use of social media and loneliness and depression. It’s ironic that an industry that promised to connect us to others (read this as “make friends”) is responsible for making us feel lonelier and more depressed. 

That got me thinking about the last time that I made a friend in real life. In my adult life, I’ve made tons of colleagues and coworkers, but a friend?  Very few. This is curious because I know that research tells us that forming friendships produces several personal benefits. These include; boosting happiness; increasing a sense of belonging; reducing stress; improving self-worth; and helps to cope with trauma.

I’ve spent a lot of my career focused on youth development and I’ve observed that, for most kids, making a friend is a straight-forward process. But as an adult, this process can be much more complicated. It’s not like you can walk up to a stranger and say, “Wanna play on the swings with me?” without getting treated like an insane person.

But don’t worry, I’ve been able to take some best practices that kids use successfully everyday and adjust them for adults. So, if you’d like to make a new a new friend, as an adult, give these steps a try.

Step 1: Ask fantastic questions.

Everyone’s favorite topic is themselves and the best way to get people to talk about themselves is to ask questions. But not the same old questions that you’ve asked at almost every social situation. Questions like, “What do you do for work?” or “What brings you to this event?” are not only boring, they communicate that you really don’t want to get know this person. You’re just trying to avoid being rude.

Instead, come up with questions that you’d be excited to answer. Think of questions that would help get to know someone better. For me, I like to ask questions like, “If you could have a super-power, what would it be?” or “What’s the best thing that’s happened to you this week?” These types of questions signal that you’re curious and open to real conversations.

After you’ve started a wonderful conversation with your unique questions, it’s time to share things about yourself. Be careful, how we share about ourselves can either attract or repel people. Asking questions without sharing is an interview, not a conversation.

Step 2: Find common ground.

For friendships to form, there needs to be some affinity or shared interests. Connections made when there is an overlap of roles or affiliations from different social contexts are called multiplex ties and according to sociologists, there are very important in creating friendships. This is because it speaks to us on a practical and an emotional level. At the practical level, it’s great to have a friend who enjoys the same activities that you do, and shared interests provide a sense of comfort and validation on an emotional level.

Friendship grows on common ground. Finding common ground doesn’t mean that you’re looking for a clone of yourself. It also doesn't mean that friendship won’t develop with someone who has different interests or comes from a different background than you. It just means understanding that friendships start with connection. To make friends, you need to discover those places of overlap.

Step 3: Extend an invitation.

Asking fantastic questions opens the door, and discovering common ground helps us to see who’s likely to walk through the door. The last step is to spend time together so friendship can grow.

Extending an invitation doesn’t refer to the next big event in your life. Don’t wait for your anniversary party or birthday celebration. Every day opportunities to extend invitations to other people are much more likely to help a grow a friendship. Think of inviting the other person to an activity that revolves around your newly discovered shared interests. This will help your new friend associate you with fun. And shared fun moves friendships forward.

I encourage you to take a chance and make a new friend. Use these ideas or tell me ones that you’ve had success with. Remember that all the growth that you have in your life, happened when you stepped outside of your comfort zone.