Spinning your Wheels? Maybe you have too many goals.

Well, we’re a couple of weeks into the new year. How are those resolutions doing?  According to research conducted by Strava (social network for athletes), most of us will abandon our efforts by January 19. In fact that day has been coined, Quitters Day.

There are lots of reasons for this; unrealistic goals, unmeasurable goals, or setting too many goals. Setting too many goals is something that doesn’t get a lot of attention but is something I’ve experienced many times.  In a fervor to be successful, I excitedly set a long list of goals.  Soon after, I feel overwhelmed, like I’m spinning in circles and not very successful. The good news is that there’s some fantastic research out there that provides helpful guidance. In the book, The End of Competitive Advantage, author Rita McGrath explores how to avoid the trap of too many goals. Here are a few practices that I use to help me stop spinning my wheels, get some traction, and crush my goals.

1.     Look for overlaps. Sometimes there is a natural and logical relationship between goals. Suppose you want to get healthier and to have more leisure time. Taking time out for active leisure like tennis or running will accomplish both goals at once.

Sometimes two goals seem to be in direct opposition to each other, like wanting to travel and having more time at home. In this case, write out both goals and next to each of them write out why you want to do each of them. You might find that what you want is to be away from work. In this case, your real goal might be to change careers. Or, you might discover that you can satisfy your desire for travel with a short vacation or a long drive with the family. Digging into why that goal is important to you will provide the clarity that you’re seeking. Get to the essence of the goal, and they’ll work themselves out.

2.     Make the time. We tell ourselves there are "only so many hours in a day," and that we're "too busy" to take on anything else right now. Your time is precisely that – yours. 
Instead of saying “I don’t have time to learn a language,” try saying, “How can I make time to learn a new language.” We find the time for the things that matter.

3.     Be flexible. It’s a good thing to put a timeline together and have definite dates and time-sensitive goals. But remember that life happens, and often it even gets in the way. There is an ancient Greek saying that goes: “If you want to make the gods laugh, tell them your plans.” Having milestones and plotting points along the timeline is good, but don’t hold yourself to it so rigidly that you cannot adapt to the occasional curve-ball.

If it feels to you like you have too many goals or if the ones you do have are fighting each other, then find the essence of each one. That will help you determine what’s most important to you right now. Then work on one goal at a time. By concentrating on which one means the most to you right now, you’ll put those goals into perspective, until they don’t seem overwhelming anymore.

3 practical tips to gaining traction on your goals.

Here's to an uncomfortable 2020

Turning the calendar to a new year naturally brings a compulsion to reflect. Reflection isn’t easy for me. In the past it was a great opportunity to replay all my failures and missteps. I used to get really judgmental with myself. Over the past few years, I’ve slowly adopted a new perspective and have been creating a new story that is kinder and more objective.

This year I will continue to open myself to growth by spending more time outside of my comfort zone. This desire comes in direct conflict with my programming that says playing it safe, acting small and saying no is the right way to live. But instead, I’m going to take chances, rise to the occasion, and embrace whole-body yeses.

I’ve allowed myself to live in a space where I only did things that I was good at. What a safe and happy place. I’ve decided that living there won’t get me what I want. So, I’ll be going to events by myself, talking to strangers, and doing things that I’m almost certain to suck at.

Thank you for supporting, challenging and walking with me on this journey.

Question of the Week

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Question of the Week

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

How could I be more engaged in life?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

I got this question the other day from a good friend. This is someone, that from all indications, is living a good life. But as we chatted it became clear that my friend was feeling like they were sleep-walking through life. Each day seemed to be the same as the last. Like they were stuck in a rut.

This feeling of being stuck is fairly common and many people experience it at least once. When you find yourself in this spot, perhaps it's time to explore the reasons why. With some simple self-exploration you can pinpoint the areas of your life that require change. It may require you to leave your comfort zone, but in the end you'll likely find that it was all worth it!

To move out of your rut, it’s important for you to build an action plan. If you stay organized and follow a simple plan of action step by step, you’ll be unstuck in no time and there will be nothing that can stop you from reconnecting with life. Here are some ideas that can get you on your way to feeling unstuck:

1.      Set Up Accountability. When you hold yourself accountable and keep a close eye on your goals, you'll be better able to identify when you're stuck in a rut. The first step is to really figure out why you're feeling stuck in the first place.

2.      Set A Time Goal. You're stuck and you'd like to be unstuck, but chances are you've been putting off working toward your goal. You've already decided to make yourself accountable and now it's time to give yourself a time limit - so do it!

3.      Be Not Afraid. Being afraid of change is one of the biggest reasons why you get stuck in the first place. Perhaps you're feeling trapped in your job and, in order to get the job you'd like, you have to go back to college. You need to get over your fear and see what you need to do to apply. You'll be happy you did when you land your dream job someday.

4.      Look For Role Models. Find someone who has been through your situation or something similar and see how he or she was able to overcome obstacles. If possible, ask this person questions.

5.      Change Your Thinking. It's true: your actions first start as thoughts. When you think positive and brave thoughts, you'll be motivated into action!

6.      Take Time. Remember to take some time for yourself to collect your thoughts. You may discover some insight into how to solve your challenges. Make sure you're completely alone with your thoughts without any distractions.

It's easy to remain in your "stuck" situation because it's familiar and you know what's going to happen. You might even feel safe. However, eventually the dissatisfaction you feel will take over and you'll realize that the only way to get "unstuck" is to take action to change.

Break down your changes into small steps. Track your progress and tweak your system to make sure your changes are making a difference.

For example, if you're feeling stuck in a relationship, you'll first evaluate where you think the concern lies. Perhaps you aren't communicating effectively. If so, you can set a timetable of three months to overcome this challenge.

You can then break down the problem into smaller steps by reading a book on communication, talking about it with your partner, or attempting counseling sessions. As you go through these actions, you're constantly keeping a close eye on how it affects your relationship.

In the end you have a firm decision about your relationship's progress and you no longer feel stuck. If you hadn't taken action, it'd be impossible to improve!

Once you've applied this system to one aspect of your life, you can use the same strategies whenever you're feeling stuck. By keeping your actions small, there are always actions you can take to break through barriers!

How do I define a good life?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

What do you think of when you think of “good life”? Money? Love? Adventure? Each of gets to decide what makes up a good life. For me, a good life is one that has meaning. While some have argued that there’s no inherent meaning to life, I believe that each of us can choose what will make our life meaningful. Here are some of my thoughts on what it takes to create a fulfilling life that has meaning. Consider the following pillars of life:

Evolution. It’s a little sad when someone reaches the pinnacle of their life at 35 and coasts to the end. To have a meaningful life, it’s important to grow and evolve. Otherwise, you may feel as if you’ve wasted your life. You may wonder what you could have accomplished with a little more time and attention.

How have you changed over the last 10 years? What do you know now that you didn’t know then? What can you do now that you couldn’t do then? What new skills have you developed? How has your view of the world changed?

Purpose. Everyone needs a purpose. We all know of someone that died shortly after retiring. Studies have shown that even something as simple as taking care of a plant extends the lifespan of those living in nursing homes. Fortunately, you can have a purpose without having to go to work for the rest of your life!

Volunteering is a simple way to make a meaningful contribution that can make life worth living. You just need someone or something to serve. What is important to you? How can you contribute in a way that you believe is meaningful?

Belonging to a group. It can be a large family, an extensive network of friends, a church, where you work, a club of some sort, or any other type of organization. We all need to belong to a group and to be accepted by the other members of that group.

Where is your tribe? Without a group, we tend to feel ignored and unappreciated. If you don’t have a tribe to call your own, go out and find one. You could even start your own.

A meaningful past. Over time, we all develop a past. One of the worst outcomes of a long life is to look back on a past that we regret. A past of squandered opportunities is sure to make you cringe when you look back on your life. We all want to have a great story to tell and share.

What kind of story will you have? What stories do you have to share right now? How have you lived the last 10 years? How will you live the next 10?

Value experiences and relationships over possessions. Our society is perhaps the most materialistic on Earth. Our society also doesn’t rank anywhere near the top for happiness. That’s a strong clue that possessions aren’t all that meaningful.

How much enjoyment have you gotten from purchasing something expensive? How long did that enjoyment last? Did it give your life meaning? Ensure that you’re spending enough time on accumulating experiences and meaningful relationships. The Ferrari will mean less to you than you think.

What is meaningful to you? How do you need to live in order to believe your life is meaningful? In what ways do you need to grow and contribute to feel that your time on Earth has meaning?

You can choose what will give your life meaning. It’s entirely in your hands, but it’s important to make a conscious choice.

When was the last time I felt truly alive?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

For me, feeling alive is connected to my energy level and source. When I choose to use a positive lens to see the world, I get that “alive” feeling. But, its easy to let our environment influence our energy. Does the following scenario sound all too familiar?

You’re shocked out of a fitful sleep by a blaring alarm. As you crawl out of bed bemoaning the stresses of the day ahead, you turn on the TV or radio, open your newspaper, or click onto the Internet. What do you see? The media delights in engulfing you with stories of horrific events.

As you leave your home, you’re surrounded by harried drivers until you finally arrive at the office, only to be submerged in office politics and other trappings of the rat race.

In a world filled with so much negativity, is it possible to live a positively charged life?

The answer is yes! Consider, for a moment, how this same day could have started if you were focusing on positivity, instead:

As you awaken, you feel rejuvenated by restful slumber. You’re greeted by the melody of the birds singing as they herald the beauty of the new day. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills the air and you sit up, stretch, and spend a leisurely moment taking it all in.

You spend your commute wondering what exciting opportunities await you as you plan a fulfilling day mixed with working toward your goals and enjoying your favorite hobbies. At the office, your co-workers chat amiably as they settle in for a productive day.

Which morning do you prefer?

The amazing thing is we have the power to choose either one!

Here are a few life-changing strategies that have helped me to discover my power to keep positive energy flowing on a daily basis. Give them a try:

1.      Interact with nature. As simple as it may sound, you can gain a positive outlook by interacting with nature. The beauty of nature is that, regardless of the current circumstances, the course of nature continues; Sunlight always breaks through the cloudiest days and darkest nights, or spring brings an annual rebirth of life as new plants peek through the frozen snow.

2.      Connect with your spiritual side. Spirituality can bring calmness, happiness and serenity to your life. These attributes help to contribute to positive energy. Whether you decide to embrace religious beliefs or spend some time in self-reflection, you'll find that you feel differently when you connect with your spiritual self. Connecting with your spiritual side can truly allow you to be accepting of yourself and your past and willing to commit to turning things around for the better.

3.      Count your blessings. As bad as things might seem to you, know that they're not the worst they could be! It's important to notice the good things you have in your life. Think of five things each day that you’re happy about or thankful for. Ask yourself how you can turn your current situation around and make it better with the resources you have now.

4.      Help someone in need. There's nothing quite as fulfilling and positive as helping someone in need. Discover the satisfaction that comes from being a Good Samaritan. Remember that when you help someone in need, you're contributing to making the world a better place because someone will be better off because of you.

5.      Change your perception. Your circumstances are what you make them, and make of them. If you look at a situation and expect hopelessness out of it, then hopelessness is likely what you'll get. Instead, why not look for a positive outcome for each and every event? Give it a try and see how quickly you'll be able to extract a glimmer of hope from those negative circumstances. Use the tools you've been given and make the machine work the way you want it to.

I invite you to embrace your inner power to make life what you want it to be. Use these life-changing strategies to fill your life with positivity. Then, instead of relying on others to create what you hope to have, you can craft the situation you want for yourself!

How do I show appreciation to others?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Yes. This is another obligatory post about gratitude in November. We all know that practicing gratitude is good for our soul (and society). When reminded, we can all think of things for which we’re grateful. But I’ve noticed that my feelings of gratitude are rarely transformed into action. I think it’s important not to keep all of our feelings of love and appreciation stuck inside. So that’s something that I’ll be working on. To help me with that challenge, I thought I’d come up with list of ways that I (and you) could express gratitude and appreciation to others.

We've heard the expression that a little can go a long way, and there's no exception when it comes to showing appreciation. Learning how to express your gratitude can enable us to enjoy improved communication and more fulfilling relationships.

By focusing on simple gestures, we can build habits that will become part of our everyday routine. Hopefully, by creating a daily practice of expressing appreciation, we can help give meaning, purpose, and joy to everyone.

Here are some simple gestures to express gratitude and appreciation:

1.      Talk more. Make your thoughts known. Your simple gestures of appreciation can be at the office, at home, with your kids, with your partner, and more. When you verbalize how you feel in a positive manner, it can make all the difference in a person's day. If you think of a compliment, give the compliment. It's simple and it works.

2.      Give a card out of the blue. Give friends, family, colleagues, or your partner a sincere card or note. There's something extra special about getting a message when you aren't expecting one. In a digital world, handwritten notes can make nice keepsakes.

3.      Go out of your way. Take a moment to think of something you can do each day or every once in a while that's above and beyond. Taking even a small burden off your loved one's shoulders shows that you care. For example, if your spouse is usually the one who handles the laundry, surprise them and take care of it.

4.      Develop your listening skills. Practice being truly aware of what you're told when people are speaking to you. You'll likely commit certain bits of information to long-term memory. You'll be surprised at how happy you can make someone simply because you remembered something they told you.

5.      Show affection. When it comes to affection for your loved ones, some simple affection can go a long way. Bring more hugs and kisses into the relationship. I believe that everyone could use more "I love you's" in their lives.

6.      Consider a handmade gift. When it comes time for gift giving, consider a handmade gift. It doesn't have to be something expensive or complex as long as it's coming from the heart. These gifts are often the most cherished of all.

7.      Cook something. If you're showing appreciation to your family, plan a special meal one day. Maybe try something you haven't tried before or go for an old family favorite. If you're showing appreciation for another group of people, consider bringing them some baked goods. A cupcake or a brownie just might brighten someone's day!

8.      Say "Thank You." You've learned to say please and thank you to strangers. But sometimes we forget to do the same with the people closest to us. It's easy to fall into a pattern where we take others for granted. Make it a habit to always thank people for anything they've done for you, even for simple things like holding the door.

If you continue to live your life in the presence of gratitude, it won't be difficult to maintain simple gestures of appreciation. When you concentrate on the needs of the people you love and fight the urge to fall into predictable patterns, you'll set yourself up for a happy life. Those around you will always remember your positive gestures!

What is my purpose?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Recently, I’ve noticed that more people are searching for their purpose. They have a feeling that there can be more to life, but are unsure where to start their journey. Many people have started their search and feel as though they’ll never find their life purpose. There’s so much to do in everyday life that there barely seems to be time to get the basics done. And besides, the world’s problems are so big and overwhelming, what can one person do?

Exploring what you want to do to have a positive impact on the world can be a fascinating and fulfilling process in itself. Here are five steps you can take to find your calling.

1.     Find your Big Thing

Look inwards to see what it is that fires you up. What are you passionate about in your life? What do you love doing? What you talk about for hours? What inspires you? Check your browser history and your reading list. Your Big Thing is right in front of you, all you have to do is claim it!

2.     Identify your superpower

Everyone has something they do where they excel. Write down all the things you’re good at, pick out the top one or two that stand out, the ones that you can offer right now. Instead of feeling helpless, recognize that you have a unique combination of experience and skill to offer the world. No one else in the history of the world can offer what you offer right now.

3.     Volunteer

Whatever your life purpose is, you want to have a positive impact on your community, right? Think about who you want to help. Do you relate to children, or seniors or single moms? Are your superpower skills useful for fundraising or writing submissions? Are you more comfortable as a hands-on career or assistant? Find an organization that could do with a helping hand, whether it’s pro bono work or hands-on volunteering.

4.     Bring it all together

Once you’ve identified your Big Thing, you know what your unique superpowers are and how you want to serve your community, you can connect the dots. What are the common themes? You might be passionate about human rights, be an excellent public speaker and choose to work pro bono as an advocate for your local Amnesty branch. Or you may offer free haircuts or styling to homeless people or the unemployed.

5.     Act!

Now you have your life purpose package you can swing into action. Look for opportunities to align your life purpose with tangible action out in the world. Be bold and resolve to do what you can where you can. You might not be able to achieve world peace, but you can make your community a better place.

If you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

We can all relate to regret. We’ve all failed to take full advantage of opportunities. We’ve all said and done things we wish we could take back. Last week I had to revisit a part a my life that didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. Feelings of regret and shame came into my awareness. As I spent some time sitting with those feelings, I realized that I can’t change the past, but I can make the future better than my past.

The key to overcoming regret is our ability to take complete responsibility for our actions. Here are a few tips that can improve your relationship with regret.

1. Be grateful. Regret involves looking back and focusing on what you did or didn’t do. Gratitude involves recognizing those things that are good in your life. Gratitude can be a good remedy for regret.

2. Avoid awful people. The last thing anyone needs is awful people in their life. You’ll have less regret if you surround yourself with kind, loving people. Jettison the people from your life that do more harm than good.

3. Decide what you’re going to do today. Put your attention on today and what you can accomplish. Regret has a way of filling our minds and our time. Bring your attention back to today and make the most of it.

4. Say that you’re sorry. If you did or said something that you regret, speak up and let them know you’re sorry. That might be the solution to your issue.

5. Find a path to improvement. If you’re feeling regret, there’s room for improvement in your life. Find a few things you can change that will decrease the odds of feeling regretful in the future. There’s always something that can be enhanced to make your life better.

6. Be bolder. Many of us regret not taking more chances in the past. You can prevent the same thing from happening in the future by being bold from this point forward.

7. Speak up next time. Do you regret not voicing your opinion? Ensure you speak up in the future. It’s not always easy to say what’s on your mind, but it’s not easy to live with not saying it, either. Be bold and just say it.

8. Make a plan for the future. Focus on building a life you enjoy and respect. Set a few goals and make something happen. Creating a great life is an effective way to deal with regret. The most important thing is to minimize the amount of regret you feel in the future.

9. Accept your current situation. Accept where you are. Once you accept your current position, you can move forward and create something new. There’s no point in fighting the current truth. Create a new truth.

10. Take responsibility. It easiest to just accept the fact that you’ve made mistakes and take responsibility for your regret. You can also take responsibility for your future.

Regrets accumulate over the years. Most regrets are related to failing to do something. We tend to regret those things we didn’t do more than the things we did do. Fear is the greatest cause of regret. Fear of failure. Fear of making a fool of ourselves.

There’s not a lot that can be done about missed opportunities, but there is a lot you can do to prevent future regrets. I invite you to be bold and be willing to apologize when necessary. Accept full responsibility for your life and be determined to make it a life that you enjoy.

What makes me laugh?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

I just spent the weekend with some great kids. And besides needing a nap, I realized that kids laugh… a lot! Don't you just love it when you hear kids laugh? I couldn’t help but laugh too! Laughter has got to be one of the most contagious of all human sounds. As it turns out, studies show that kids laugh nearly 400 times each day. Compare that to the average adult who laughs about 7 times each day. 

In fact, laughter has been shown to have many beneficial effects on the body, mind, and spirit.

Laughter effects on your body by releasing endorphins. Laughing stimulates muscles, nerves, organs and tissues. Studies show these endorphins give relief to chronic pain, help to relieve stress and promote functioning of the immune system. Laughter literally helps heal your body.

Laughing is also good for your mind. Happy thoughts lead to a more positive outlook on life. When you're hanging out with friends and having good conversation that produces smiles and laughter, your mind's producing happy thoughts.

Laughing causes your inner being to be emotionally and physically strengthened. When you laugh or even smile, your inner being is stimulated in an affirmative way, producing a more positive outlook on life. This helps your body produce more self-healing endorphins, which actually helps your body remain healthy and running optimally!

This got me thinking. I've been thinking - if it's so important, how can we all make sure we have more of it in our lives?

Now, I understand that (as an adult) laughing 400 times may cause folks around to think that you may be having a mental breakdown. But we can surely do better than 7.2 times in a day. Right? I invite you to intentionally add more laughter in to your day.

Here are some tips on how to make sure there's more humor in your life. And, if you will, please report back and tell me what worked best for you. Oh, and if you've got any good jokes, I'd love to hear them...

Try these 3 simple steps to add more laughter into your life.

Smile more: Train yourself to smile more and more, turn that frown upside down. Why not make a point of smiling at strangers on your journey to work every morning?

Surround yourself with people who make you laugh: Children are a real joy to have around, especially when they break out into infectious giggles. Why not spend more time with the people who bring fun and laughter into your world and leave the miserable people alone for a while?

Watch a funny movie, TV show or video clip of your favorite comedian: Or if you’ve got young children why not re-watch some old cartoon classics like ‘The Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote’ and roll around laughing in your pjs, I bet the kids would love it too?

So, go on make a date with yourself and put more smiles and laughter into your life.  

Am I afraid of letting others get close to me?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

This question has some resonance with me. For a period of time in my life I kept people at arms length, even though I desired more meaningful relationships. Over time and with some intentional exploration, I found that I was keeping people away as a way to protect myself. I felt that being open and letting other close to me would result in me being hurt or embarrassed. But I’ve learned that our ability to be open and vulnerable is one of our greatest gifts. Being vulnerable often requires risk. However, building walls to protect ourselves removes much of the opportunity for a rich and fulfilling life. To have a meaningful life requires letting go of the need to control everything. How can you do this? The key is to let go of the idea that you have something to lose.

What fears do you have that limit your willingness to connect?

·       Fear of abandonment?

·       Fear of failure?

·       Fear of rejection?

·       Fear of making the wrong choice?

Understanding your fears will help you to identify the source of your trust issues so you can work through them and move forward.

Using these strategies will help you learn to trust again:

1.     Realize that it’s not always about you. It’s natural to feel slighted and mistreated. You might even feel that you’ve failed in some way. Everyone has issues that negatively affect the way they interact with others. Perhaps the other person is struggling. Avoid overreacting and taking it personally. If you’re constantly blaming yourself, consider making an effort to raise your self-esteem. Investing time in yourself can be the best investment you’ll ever make.

2.     Start small. Take new relationships slowly and trust a little at a time. Give a little trust and then allow the other person to earn more trust over time. Take care of yourself, but be reasonable. Seek improvement rather than perfection.

3.     Learn to trust yourself. We’re often too quick to remember our mistakes and to forget the great decisions we’ve made in the past. Remember the numerous times you’ve trusted others and been right. Trust yourself to make good decisions.

4.     Be trustworthy. The least trusting people are often the least trustworthy. We expect others to behave in a similar fashion to ourselves. Be someone worthy of trust and you’ll find it easier to trust others. Be the type of partner, friend, coworker, or family member that you’d like to have in your life.

5.     Expect to have your trust violated. People are highly variable. Even a single person can exhibit a wide variety of moods and attitudes. Everyone close to you will hurt you at some point. To expect anything else would be naive. Remember the times that you’ve hurt others. Focus on the fact that you’re a good person and probably didn’t mean to cause any pain. The sources of your mistrust were probably of a similar nature. Be willing to forgive and expect forgiveness from others.

6.     Learn from the past. Was it possible to foresee or prevent any past transgressions against you? Did you trust too quickly? Did you ignore any obvious warning signs? Were you too impulsive? What can you learn and apply to the future?

7.     Learn to let go. If you focus on your fears and the negative parts of your past relationships, it will be extremely difficult to have healthy relationships in the future. The past is over. Learn from it and look forward. Avoid allowing regret to taint your present and future.

8.     Enhance your communication skills. Failed expectations lead to feelings of mistrust. Ensure that you’re communicating your needs and expectations clearly. It’s not fair to expect others to read your mind. Avoid making people guess about what’s important to you. Tell them!

All relationships have rough patches from time to time. Relationships with your romantic partner, friends, coworkers, and family members are all susceptible to feelings of mistrust. Many of your acquaintances may let you down. The ability to learn, move on, and trust again is invaluable. I invite you to be brave and move forward toward a brighter future.

How can I change someone's life for the better?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Do you remember how you felt when you had a tough day and a stranger smiled at you?  Or the time you helped your neighbor carry in her groceries and how she still thanks you for it? Each of these small acts of kindness can make a huge impact on someone’s life.

Small actions often lead to giant ripples. One small action can completely change the life of someone who then performs a kindness for someone else. And the cycle continues and grows.

No matter how big or small the kindness is, it’s likely to have a big impact on your own mental health. According to psychologists and researchers, the smallest acts of kindness can create a rebound effect on not only the receiver’s psyche but your own as well.

For example, a smile increases the level of comfort of the person being smiled at, as well as, making them happier. It puts you in a better mood as well. That simple smile could be the reason someone is lifted out of despair.

Tiny acts of kindness can make a change in two ways; they are the catalyst for others to start invoking their own small kindnesses and they have a contagious affect on others. In other words, when we carry out tiny acts of kindness, other people see them, and they are then inspired to demonstrate kindness.

Let’s look at another example. If you are friendly to the bus driver, he then in turn will be more likely to be more considerate to the next passenger. That passenger is more likely to go home and have a positive conversation with their family.

People who have a tendency to practice small acts of kindness are more likely to take action in bigger ways as well.

Here are ten ways small acts can have an impact.

1.     Learn first aid. Learning first aid principles can help you be prepared to act if someone needs help in an emergency.

2.     Be a part of a community clean up. Help clean up a park, neighborhood or local beach area.

3.     Donate toys to the local prison or women’s shelter.

4.     Donate flowers to someone in need in places like hospices, care homes or women’s homes.

5.     Cook a hot meal for a neighbor.

6.     Leave snacks in the break room.

7.     Volunteer at your local Girl Scouts/Boy Scouts, YMCA, or Boys and Girls Clubs.

8.     Donate books to your local library or to children in need.

9.     Remove single use plastic from your life. Recycle plastics and other recyclables.

10. Leave uplifting notes in self help books at your local bookstore or library.

Whatever you choose to do, each tiny act of kindness can have a big impact on others in ways you may never imagine. Each tiny act is observed and passed along to another making it grow into something miraculous.

Am I settling for less than I'm worth?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

I was recently asked for some advice about how to be a stronger self-advocate. Learning to be assertive is one of the most important life skills you can develop. Studies have shown that being assertive can lead to a whole host of benefits, from increased self-confidence to better relationships and improved mental and physical health.

Before you start, it’s important to understand what being assertive means. Psychologists define assertiveness as being able to express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view while respecting the rights and beliefs of others. The basis of assertiveness is mutual respect and honesty. Assertive communicators are straightforward and know how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Their relationships value and promote trust.

If you’re serious about living an authentic life and succeeding in reaching your goals, learning to be assertive is crucial. Think about how you feel about your life right now. Are you satisfied with your personal and professional situation? Do you avoid conflicts? Do you worry about what other people think of you? If you’re not happy with where you are now, the good news is that assertiveness is a habit that can be learned just like any other. With practice and commitment, you can change your mindset and live a life more aligned with your true values and aspirations.

Try these tips for introducing a more assertive approach into your life:

·        Decide what your priorities are and stick to them.

·        Work out your individual boundaries.

·        Develop a positive open posture and look people in the eye when you speak to them.

·        Use positive ‘I’ statements about how you’re feeling instead of blaming or finding fault with the other person. Be especially wary of feeling tempted to say, ‘you always’ or ‘you never.’

·        Get comfortable with saying ‘no’ to things you don’t want to or can’t do. Keep it simple and non-emotive and don’t feel you need to add an excuse or explanation.

·        Only use ‘sorry’ when it’s appropriate for the situation. You don’t need to apologize for saying no.

·        Offer alternative suggestions to proposals you don’t like.

·        Look for compromises.

·        Be honest and direct about your feelings, thoughts, and intentions.

·        Consider writing a script for a situation that feels awkward. Rehearse being confident.

Keep your focus on the impact of the situation and finding a way to work together to find a mutually satisfying solution.

Above all, being assertive means staying in your power, accepting that you have control over how you approach the situation and your feelings about it. Assertiveness won’t get you everything you want all the time, but you will feel in control and deal much better with situations that would have previously been stressful.

If I was given $1,000,000, what would I do with it?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Every now and then, you may ponder the complexities and maybe even some chaos in your life. You might struggle to figure out what's next. Maybe you feel confused at times about which way to go. When I’ve wrestled with what I should do next, this question has helped me to focus on what I think is important. In short, it helps me to determine my priorities. If you have you thought about setting your life priorities to make your life easier, here are some things to consider:

When you're struggling to determine what's important to you, it's hard to make decisions. What will you do next? Where will you go for the evening? Who will you choose to pass the time with?

Feeling torn between two or more people, places, or ideas is common if you haven't yet identified your priorities. After all, when you consider everything and everyone in your life as all-equal in terms of their "level" of importance, it's going to be tough to choose what to do next.

Setting your life priorities is a way of identifying what's most important to you. Once you determine your priorities, you'll be pleased with the ease of making decisions and the serenity that comes with knowing you did the right thing.

Establishing priorities also gives you a clearer focus on how to allot your time. If you allot the bulk of your time to doing what's most important with the most important people in your life, you'll feel more fulfilled and satisfied with your life experiences.

Common Life Priorities

What might your priorities be? The possibilities are endless. In the list below, you'll find many common priorities in no particular order. Feel free to use the list as inspiration to help you figure out your own priorities.

• Family

• Finances

• Friends

• Extended family

• Work

• Hobbies

• Personal appearance

• Health and physical exercise/activities

• Nutritious eating

• "Alone-time" with partner

• Quality time with the children

• Playing games on the internet

• Talking on the phone

• Watching television

Example of a "Prioritized" Listing of Life Priorities

The whole idea of setting priorities is to put the many elements of your life into an order, with those that are most important to you at the top. Knowing your highest priority on the list is necessary in order to make focused, wise decisions that are right for you.

Consider this next list, which is prioritized, as an example of someone's life priorities (in order).

1. Family

2. Alone-time with partner

3. Work

4. Health and physical exercise

5. Nutritious eating

6. Friends

7. Watching television

8. Personal appearance

9. Hobbies - movies and reading

Coming Up With Your Own Priorities

Setting your priorities in life may take time and effort. However, taking the time to reflect on your day-to-day life and determine what's on the top of your list will make your life so much easier. Once your priorities are clear to you, decisions on how to spend your time and with who will be a cinch.

Engaging in this exercise of figuring out your priorities might reveal some things that shock or surprise you. For example, you might realize that you're spending most of your time hanging out with friends even though you feel that your family is more important. Or you aren't taking as much care with your kids as you thought you were.

Regardless of what you discover, setting your priorities now will help you limit or even remove the less-important elements of your life and enable you to focus more fully on what means the most to you.

You can live more joyfully by setting your life priorities. Knowing what's important to you and devoting your time to those things at the top of your list will ensure you experience an enriched and fulfilled life. Set your life priorities today.

Am I facing my demons?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Free Yourself

Tips to overcome your fears

When I think of my personal demons, the two that come to mind for me are; Fear and self-doubt. I used to think that these feeling were unique to me, but come to find out, the feelings of fear and self-doubt are extremely common, and are two of the biggest obstacles to success and happiness.

Some people feel more fear and self-doubt than others. And, some are better at overcoming these emotions than others. Regardless of where you fall on the fear/self-doubt spectrum, there are many things you can do to rise above these emotions. If this is something you’d like to tackle, here is process that may help you get started:

Identify what you’re actually afraid of. What do you really fear? Most of us don’t have to worry about being eaten by tigers. Our lives are rarely in danger. The most common fears in a modern society are failure and making a fool out of one’s self. Of course, there are others;

• If you want to start a business, but can’t seem to get started, what is your real concern

• Maybe you want to ask someone out on a date. What is the real fear? They certainly aren’t going to hit you over the head with a rock.

• Be aware of your actual fear, and then you’ll have a chance of addressing it.

Find situations related to your fear that are only mildly uncomfortable. Perhaps you have a fear of public speaking. What could you do that’s similar, but less terrifying? You could:

• Give a speech to a group of friends

• Start conversations with strangers

• Visualize yourself giving a speech

• Do more group activities and speak up more

Take action. Thinking creates and magnifies fear. Taking action lessens fear. One of the best ways to get over fear is to immediately take action before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it. I have found that most people would be more successful, happier, and less afraid if they thought less and did more. This has been especially true in my life.

Visualize yourself being unafraid. Imagine you have a twin that’s similar to you, but different in other ways. If you could build the perfect twin, what would they be like? What skills, beliefs, and attitudes would they have? How would they handle the situation that creates fear in you? Now, allow yourself to become that twin.

Give yourself small successes. Set yourself up to win. Make the game so easy that you can’t fail. As you gain confidence, up the stakes a little. Get used to being successful in the situations that cause you to feel fear.

• If the thought of making 100 cold calls a day makes you break out in a cold sweat, give yourself the goal of making just one cold call. The next day, you can do three.

• Show yourself that you can do it. Show yourself that nothing bad is going to happen to you.

Be realistic. What is the worst consequence you are likely to endure if the thing you fear comes true? It’s probably not anything you can’t handle! What happens if the publisher rejects your book? What if your speech doesn’t go well? What’s actually going to happen to you? Will you still be safe? Will your family still love you?

Get help. Whether you need some help from a friend or a professional, there’s no shame in getting help. You would get help if your car’s engine blew up. You’d get help if you had a broken leg. Get the help you need to deal with your fears.

How much you allow fear and self-doubt to rule your life has a direct affect on your overall happiness and sense of resilience.  Imagine what your life would be like if you could overcome all of your fears and self-doubt. As humans; we are wired to avoid the actions that trigger these uncomfortable feelings. But we can do better. We can act in the face of these emotions and live our lives to the fullest.

What do I think about when I’m alone?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Solitude

Your secret weapon

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that I’ve become much more of an introverted person. I get energized by spending time alone. This provides me a sense of freedom that I was lacking in my day-to-day life.

This is much different from my younger days. When I was by myself, I felt uncomfortable and lonely. Regardless of how you currently feel about solitude, there are many benefits to be gained by spending some time alone each day.

If you’re uncomfortable with being alone, I invite you to explore why. Try spending a few hours alone, without distractions, and pay attention to see what thoughts and feelings arise.

Consider these benefits of spending some time alone:

1. You can do whatever you want. You get to do whatever you want when you’re alone. This can be a blessing if you have a spouse and children! Imagine, you can: Eat what you want, control the TV remote and the radio station, or take a nap. Make the most of the time you have alone, and you’ll grow to love having a little solitude in your life.

2. It’s easier to concentrate. Have you ever noticed how much more you can get done when everyone is out of your hair? It doesn’t matter if it’s at home or at work. Being alone is a great time to tackle those projects you never seem to have time to do.

3. You learn more about yourself in solitude. It’s much more difficult to be self-aware if you never spend any time by yourself. Your thought processes become more apparent when you’re not distracted by others. Ideally, spend an extended period of time by yourself each year. You could go camping or backpacking by yourself. You could even just stay at home and let everyone know you’re not available.

4. You become more compassionate. When you constantly hang out with the same people, you naturally develop a feeling of “us versus them.” You’ll be more compassionate toward others if you regularly spend some time alone.

5. Creativity increases during periods of solitude. There’s a reason why artists, musicians, writers, and other creative types go into isolation when it’s time to create. Your mind is much freer to wander and develop new ideas. Most people aren’t nearly as creative as they could be.

6. A little solitude makes you happier. Several studies have shown that people that regularly have some time to themselves are happier than those that don’t.

7. You can think deep thoughts. It’s hard to think about your life in a deep and meaningful way when you’re surrounded by others. Your alone time is the perfect opportunity to work on your bigger challenges, make big decisions, and ponder the meaning of life.

To get the most benefit from this practice, schedule periods of solitude into your day. Avoid just using whatever free time you happen to have for solitude. It’s important enough to deliberately plan into your day. And avoid just scheduling alone time. Plan on how you’re going to use that time. Be productive with your periods of solitude.

I’ve found that some alone time is a blessing. If you currently aren’t able to spend some time with yourself, I invite you to make time. It can be one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Your creativity will increase. You can tackle big challenges. You can even just do whatever you feel like doing!

Make the most of the time you have alone. It’s one of life’s great pleasures. Enjoy your solitude and be thankful for it.

What do I want to be remembered for?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Legacy

Start with end in mind

Have you ever met someone who is crystal clear about what they want in life? These people act with purpose and seem to be “going places”. I’ve been lucky enough to have met a few of these folks in my life and have found that they all have one thing in common; They live their life with the end in mind.

We all have a limited time on this planet. Yet, most of us live our lives day-to-day, with maybe a vague idea of where we want to go. We may make short-term plans like; attending college, but few of us plan our lives thinking about how to make the most of our lives; what we want our life to have meant; what we are remembered for.

This can lead to feeling like we’ve left too many things undone or failed to live life with enthusiasm or purpose. The good news is that you can live a fulfilling life, a life worthy of admiration, you just need to discover your legacy and then start living it. Here are a few strategies to help you get started:

1.    Determine your core values: Figure out what’s most important to you. Take your time. You only have one life so make it as meaningful as possible. What truly matters to you?

2.    Start with the end in mind: Imagine you’re on your death bed. Where are you? Are you living in a mansion with a private nurse? In a nursing home? In a modest family home? Who is with you? Close family? Do you have a string of friends, family, and admirers stopping by to pay their respects?

3.    Take a look backwards: What will your life have been about? Spreading peace throughout the world? Building a real estate empire? Traveling the world and learning about different cultures? Mastering the piano? Becoming the most powerful person in your city? Living a well-rounded life with a close-knit family?Make a list of everything you want to do, have, and accomplish over the course of your lifetime. What great cause do you want to represent? What would make you proud?

4.    Look at your calendar: Imagine your average weekday and weekend day. If you continued living this way for the rest of your life, where would you end up? Are you on the path to living the legacy you desire?

5.    Determine the first step: What do you need to do first? Create a set of goals with the ultimate end in mind. Create a starting goal that can begin working on immediately. For example, imagine one of your goals is to climb Mount Everest. Your set of goals might look like:

• Join a gym and get into great shape.

• Start saving money. Equipment and traveling are expensive.

• Get a passport.

• Take a mountaineering course on Mt Rainier that will prepare me for my next climb.

• Climb Ecuadorian volcanoes.

• Climb Mt Aconcagua.

• Climb Mt. McKinley.

• Climb Mt. Cho Oyu.

• Climb Mt Everest.

6.    Get started: This can be the hardest part. Building a business empire can seem out of reach when you only have $158 in the bank, but your journey is all about progress not perfection. It’s just going to take a hard work and patience.

7.    Have a clear vision: Avoid getting discouraged by unexpected setbacks and obstacles. Focus on your vision and celebrate your progress. Every step is a step closer to your legacy.   

You can create a life that is exciting and fulfilling. Dream big, be bold, and get started today to make your new reality.

“You Can Never Leave Footprints That Last If You Are Always Walking On Tiptoe.”

-Leymah Gbowee, Liberian peace activist

What is one thing that I love about myself?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Self-Compassion

is the key.

It’s surprising to me how many people I meet are stumped by this question. As adults, most of us are conditioned to focus on the things that we want to improve or change. This makes it very difficult for us to even consider something that we love about ourselves. This was not always the case. I find that when kids are asked the same question, they have no problems coming up with several things that they love about themselves.

I think the key to seeing things that you love about yourself is seeing yourself with compassion. It’s fairly common that we are taught to have compassion towards others, but not towards ourselves. Self-compassion seems like a strange idea to many of us, indulgent or selfish even. But recent studies reveal that developing more compassion for yourself will make you happier and more successful at reaching your goals. Here are some of the benefits of self-compassion and ways to begin to see yourself in a new light.

Benefits of Having Compassion for Yourself

1.    Experience greater happiness: Self-compassion means valuing yourself and treating yourself well. You're bound to feel better when you remove negative self-talk and become a better friend to yourself.

2.    Accomplish our goals more easily: There's no need to criticize yourself to eliminate bad habits. Accept your flaws and focus on action plans that are realistic for you. If you break your diet, start again with the next meal. If you're denied one job opening, beef up your resume so you're ready for the next opening.

3.    Become more resilient: Accept that life is full of ups and downs; take them in stride instead of being derailed by self-pity. You'll bounce back faster when you realize that challenges and setbacks are as inevitable as rainy days.

4.    Feel more motivated: When you learn to value yourself, you'll feel more committed to making investments in your future. Giving yourself the freedom to make mistakes reduces the anxiety that holds you back from trying new things.

5.    Feel more connected with others: The philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer suggested that we call each other "my fellow sufferer." When we realize that we all want to be happy but struggle to create happiness, we recognize how much we have in common with everyone around us.

6.    Express more compassion towards others: If you're gentle with yourself, you're more apt to carry that mindset into your interaction with loved ones and strangers. You'll be mindful of the challenges we all face and have a stronger desire to help others.

Methods for Developing More Self-Compassion

1.    Dispel the myths about self-compassion: You may associate being gentle with being lazy or weak. But with compassion, you're channeling your time and energy into constructive activities rather than beating up on yourself.

2.    Take charge of your emotions: Accepting disappointments as part of life enables you to remain at peace. You can accept your true feelings without letting them overwhelm you.

3.    Change your self-talk: We sometimes say things to ourselves that we would regard as too hurtful to say to anyone else. Focus on giving yourself practical suggestions rather than calling yourself names.

4.    Relax: Create an environment where you can generate compassion. Reduce stress and transition into a better frame of mind with meditation or soft music.

5.    Treat yourself to something nice: Just like you bring a meal over to a sick friend, look for ways to be your own benefactor. Brew a cup of your favorite tea or commiserate with yourself if you get stuck in heavy traffic.

6.    Surround yourself with positive role models: If you feel like you've been conditioned to be harsh with yourself as the only way to get results, you may need to surround yourself with reminders to stay on your new path. Observe people who seem compassionate and adapt their methods to your own situation. Read books or take a workshop on compassion.

It's easier to overcome difficult situations when you learn to cherish and comfort yourself. Practicing self-compassion will bring you greater peace of mind and a higher quality of life.  Try it out and see if you feel a difference.

What parts of my life don't reflect who I am?

Compelling questions help to focus us to think more deeply and opens the door to self-examination.

Personal Values

Understanding is the key.

I’ve found that the times in my life when I’ve felt the most unsure are also the times in my life when I’ve been unclear of my personal values. The better I understand my personal values, the more centered I feel and the better I can make decisions. Having a clear understanding of our personal values is important for both happiness and success. Without this information we won't know what really matters and we’re likely to be in conflict with our life goals. This can be unfulfilling and stressful.

By having a clear understanding of our values, we can more easily find motivation and sustain the enthusiasm and drive needed to achieve our goals. We also use our personal values to evaluate our actions. For example, typically when we act in way that is not aligned with our values we feel out of sorts.

Here are some tips to live in alignment with your values.

Define your values.

Personal value are those things that are most important you, those things that must be true for you to lead a happy and fulfilled life. your values are also the things that really motivate you would you are living in accordance with your personal values you fight like a filling and satisfying.

Values are not set in stone, but they can change over time. If you think back over your life, you may be able see that what you valued as a teenager may have changed a bit as your matured. When you were a child or values probably came from your parents or other significant adults. Later, your peers and social environment influenced your personal values. As an adult, it’s important to examine your personal values and ensure that they are still serving you and the goals that you have. If they aren’t, it’s possible to change them.

Take an inventory.

We’re going to make two lists. For the first list, write down all the values that are important to you. Don’t think too much at this stage. This should be a very quick exercise. Just write down 15-20 values that pop into your head. If you’d some help with getting started, just click here for a list of over 80 values. VALUES LIST

It’s common to feel that you should hold a certain value. This may be because your family or friends hold this value. But it doesn’t mean that value is right for you. For the second list, sit quietly and think about what is really important in life for you. To help with this process, remember a time in your life when you felt a spark, when you felt super motivated, maybe to learn a new skill, or go on an adventure, or meet a new person. Many times, those feelings are a personal value. Go through this process several times until you have list of 5-10 values.

Now compare the two lists and take note of any values that are the same. These values are central to you. You nay also find that there are several values that are similar or overlap; for instance, honesty and trustworthiness. Combine any overlapping values under the term that is most compelling to you.

From this process, you should have a list 4 to 8 value that accurately describe what is important to you in your life.

Now that you have a clear view your personal values you can spend some time thinking about what actions that you can take to demonstrate those values in your life. You can also use these values as a lens to examine different parts of your life and determine if your actions are taking you closer to living that value or further away.

Now that you understand what’s important to you in life, I encourage you to filter your decisions through your values. Start with very small decisions to practice. After a while, when you need to make an important decision, you’ll be ready.